Sometimes I get so mad I want to punch someone, or say something that would really hurt them, or break something, punch the wall, scream and just cry. I feel so hurt that I want to get at the person who made me feel this way. I want the person to feel the exact way I feel or maybe even worse. This feeling I can’t control. I feel it take over me and I even vibrate terribly because of it. When its not a person who hurt me but rather an unpleasant situation, I find myself wanting everyone to feel the way I do. To feel horrible. Even if they do not deserve it.
You would have to agree with me that you have felt this way or even feel this way sometimes. I am quite a reserved person and I tend to hide my emotions, even when I am extremely mad at someone or something.
Few hours ago I got really mad at someone. In actual fact, the person did nothing deserving the level of my outburst. I had held up so much for so long and the little thing that was said to me caused an outburst. Like a pricked balloon.
I went all crazy acting like a silly child. I ripped a few things and decided to be a burden to this person. After a few hours I came back to my senses. I spoke to a friend who really calmed me. I felt really stupid for allowing my emotions take total control of me at that point. I was not even thinking. I allowed the spirit of destruction take over and such spirit is not what God wants for us. I later apologized to the person. and I was forgiven.
The problem was I found it difficult to forgive myself. Then it hit me, because I have found it difficult to forgive myself for the things I have done ( which are mostly normal things) I have also found it difficult to let go of the hurt people have done to me at some point.
I understand that there are so many people who feel this way and are struggling with it. The moment I realised this it was like scales fell off my eyes…..and I felt and in fact saw peace.
Forgiveness sometimes is not about the other person, but its about you. We make crazy decisions sometimes and they boomerang. Its only normal that it happens that way. We must learn to forgive ourselves for what we did and forgive the people or situations that made us do such. If we do not do this we would soon realise that we are stuck…or should I say static. We seem fixed and while everyone around us enjoy peace and goodness we seem to only see gloom and sadness becomes a comforter.
Sadness and bitterness is not God’s plan for us. Its not how nature was designed. It is just not us! We should open up to those who hurt us and make them aware of what they have done and we should forgive. Not just them….but ourselves too.
Only then can we feel genuine freedom,
And genuine joy.
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